Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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