He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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