My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
