Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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