wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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