You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
