I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
