There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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