i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
