in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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