I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
