Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
