I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
