I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
