i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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