I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
