Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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