WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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