I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
