How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
