I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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