I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
