Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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