I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
