it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Found your dick twin last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
