if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
