ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
