I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
