I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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