Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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