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• (719): View more from Colorado

  just survived the first fart of the relationship.

  Fav 15 4386 1160

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

  Fav 45 23935 1774

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• (631): View more from New York

  "fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

  Fav 8 4167 1066

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• (954): View more from Florida

  my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch

  Fav 12 3363 1336

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• (850): View more from Florida

  I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

  Fav 16 5550 1366

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.

  Fav 1 2483 978

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

  Fav 7 1408 3844

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

  Fav 28 5565 1341

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

  Fav 10 1425 669

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!

  Fav 2 1530 719

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.

  Fav 4 1135 808

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.

  Fav 1 794 478

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• (209): View more from California

  One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket

  Fav 3 546 711

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• (228): View more from Mississippi

  I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....

  Fav 0 13 33

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