I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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