good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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