Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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