Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
