Soap is not a condiment
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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