i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
