It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
