was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
