During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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