You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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