Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
