I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
