There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
