My room smells like vodka and shame
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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