i think i have herpe
just one?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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