Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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