I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
