i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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