Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
