Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
